My stepdad always made a big deal about being the “man of the house,” but when his “special gift” for my mom’s birthday turned out to be a pack of toilet paper, I decided it was time for payback. And let’s just say someone else ended up desperately needing that present.
My stepfather, Jeff, loved reminding us he was the breadwinner of the house throughout our entire childhood. Anytime we sat down to dinner, he’d start with his usual spiel.
“You’re lucky I keep this roof over your heads,” he’d say and chortle. He also said it all the time while leaning back on his worn-out recliner. It was his favorite thing in the world.
My mom, Jane, always nodded along. She was the kind of woman who avoided conflict at any cost. She wasn’t raised in the 1950s, but her upbringing had been different from ours. Staying quiet had become almost an art form for her.
As her kids, my siblings (Chloe, Lily, and Anthony) and I could see that she desperately wanted to speak up but didn’t. Meanwhile, we surely didn’t consider him “the king of the castle” or a “real man,” which were other phrases Jeff used to describe himself.
Yes, he paid all the bills while we were growing up, and we were thankful. But that wasn’t an excuse to treat our mother like a servant and think he was better than the rest of us.
We had tried for years to get Mom to leave him to no avail.
Eventually, we all moved out of their house as we reached adulthood, but my sisters and I continued to visit Mom often. Anthony lived on the other side of the country, but he checked in every other day.
Still, we worried about her.
I felt that our visits weren’t enough to truly know what was going on in that house. I often sat alone in my apartment and wondered if Mom would ever leave this man and if there was something he could do to finally make her snap out of her proverbial shackles.
Yes, this is where it gets good.
This year, Jeff simply went too far. For days leading up to Mom’s birthday, he wouldn’t stop bragging about the “special gift” he’d picked out for her.
“This one’s going to knock her socks off,” he said over dinner at their house, grinning like a buffoon.
I wanted to believe him. Maybe he had finally decided to treat her with the respect she deserved. But deep down, I knew better. Jeff was Jeff, and people like him never changed.
My mom’s birthday arrived, and of course, my sisters and I were there, sitting in the living room. Jeff had a twinkle in his eyes, and I knew Mom had hope in hers.
After she opened our presents, my stepdad handed her a huge, beautifully wrapped package. He was smiling, and my mom’s face lit up as she carefully untied the ribbon.
“Oh, Jeff, you didn’t have to,” she said softly.
“Yes, I did. Go on. Open it,” he urged, leaning forward in his chair.
She unwrapped the box slowly, savoring the moment… until she saw what was inside— toilet paper. 12-pack. Four-ply. Jumbo rolls.
Mom blinked in confusion.
“It’s so soft. Just like you!” Jeff declared, slapping his knee and cackling. “And look, four-ply, to represent your four kids. Perfect, right?”
Mom let out a nervous laugh, but I could see her eyes glistening. My sisters and I exchanged a look. This wasn’t just a bad joke; it was cruel.
We’d had enough. We had to do something.
***
Two days later, our plan began to take shape. Jeff loved two things: being the “big man” and free food. So, we invited him to a “family dinner” at the Chinese restaurant he always raved about.
Chloe, my youngest sibling, was the one who planted the idea.
“We’ll do it in his favorite place. He won’t suspect a thing,” she said, smirking.
Lily, being the eldest and most practical, raised an eyebrow. “And what happens after?”
“Oh, don’t worry,” Chloe replied. “We’ll handle it.”
We set the date and made sure to hype it up, so Jeff wouldn’t miss it.
“Dinner’s on us this time,” Chloe told him sweetly
Jeff puffed out his chest. “Well, it’s about time someone else paid for once. I’m glad that being out of the house has finally opened your eyes to how great you fared because of me!”
We rolled our eyes internally.
The restaurant was bustling that night. Shiny red lanterns hung from the ceiling, giving the space a nice reddish glow.
The food from other tables smelled delicious, and I could tell Jeff was hungry as we sat down at our table.
“When are your mom and Lily getting here?” he asked, wrinkling his nose toward the front door.
“Don’t worry. They’ll be here soon. How about we order food anyway?” I suggested, nodding towards Chloe.
She agreed and started rattling off things she wanted, things we specifically planned to order: Szechuan beef, Kung Pao chicken, and the spiciest mapo tofu on the menu.
Jeff ordered his usual, but I knew what we had in mind would still work.
Each dish came out looking like a masterpiece of fiery reds and deep browns, garnished with fresh herbs and enough chili to make a grown man cry.
Chloe’s eyes twinkled as the waiter finished arranging everything on the table.
“Jeff, you can handle spicy, right?” she asked, pretending to be concerned.
Jeff stayed silent for a second, stumped, then nodded quickly. “I didn’t realize you gals wanted to share everything. Of course, I can eat anything. Nothing is ever too spicy for a real man.”
I chimed in with, “Be careful with these, though. They’re pretty hot.”
I just knew my words would make him mad.
“Don’t be ridiculous, Amelia,” Jeff scoffed and took his chopsticks to skewer a piece of beef straight into his mouth.
At first, he gave out an exaggerated moan, to “prove his manliness,” but soon, his face turned redder than the lanterns above us. Sweat beaded on his forehead as he chewed and breathed through his nose.
“Everything alright?” Chloe asked, again faking worry.
“Yes, yes,” he lied through his full mouth. “This is good stuff.”
I was sure Jeff wouldn’t grab more after gulping down an entire glass of Coke, but Chloe and I began eating in earnest.
“Oh, it’s not so spicy after all,” Chloe commented, smiling sugary-sweet. She was baiting him.
I nodded, grabbing more.
Not to be outdone, Jeff began to eat more. He was breathing roughly now, but when we asked if he was alright, he simply said, “This really clears the sinuses, gals.”
Still, his fingers went up and snapped at the waiter to bring him more Coke.
Chloe leaned over and whispered, “He’s going to feel that later.”
“Oh, definitely,” I whispered back, grinning conspiratorially.
***
While Jeff was busy showing off his “macho” tolerance for heat, Mom and Lily were busy back at the house with a rented U-Haul and movers.
They worked quickly to load up Mom’s belongings, such as clothes, keepsakes, her favorite chair, and even the toaster. I told them to take the things Mom had given Jeff over the years by saving up when she could: the recliner and his specialty tools.
But the pièce de résistance was Chloe telling them to remove every single roll of toilet paper in the house.
***
Jeff was still red when we left the restaurant, and he was grumbling about Mom and Lily being no-shows. So I just suggested going to the house to see if anything had happened.
When we arrived, everything was ready. The truck had already left. Meanwhile, Mom and Lily were hiding in the garage.
Jeff walked in with Chloe and me right behind him. He barely made it two steps into the living room before he froze.
“Where’s my recliner?” he barked, scanning the empty spot.
“Gone,” Chloe piped in casually, tilting her head. “Mom took what’s hers.”
Jeff turned to us and his face reddened again, but before he could say another word, his stomach gurgled loudly. He doubled over slightly, clutching his gut.
“Oh, man, I think that spicy food—” He paused, looking around frantically.
“Is something wrong, Jeff? I hope it wasn’t the food,” I said, blinking innocently.
He stared daggers at me before bolting down the hall. Moments later, we heard the bathroom door slam.
Lily and Mom appeared out of their hiding spot right in time to hear the sound of Jeff panicking. “What the hell? Where’s all the toilet paper?!” he yelled.
I couldn’t hold it in anymore.
“We took that along with the recliner!” I shouted, laughter bubbling up. “After all, it also belonged to Mom!”
“WHAT?” he shouted back.
It seemed like he wasn’t getting it, so Mom stepped closer to the bathroom door. “I’M LEAVING YOU, JEFF! And I took what was mine,” she exclaimed firmly. “Including my dignity.”
Jeff groaned loudly from behind the bathroom door. “You can’t just leave me like this!” he yelled.
“WATCH ME!” Mom replied, adding, “Not that you can right now, but enjoy staying in the bathroom all night!”
My sisters and I stared at each other, giggling.
Jeff groaned, and there were other unsavory sounds, which I took as our cue to leave. “Let’s go, Mom,” I said.
She nodded and walked out, thanking us.
***
The next day, Jeff tried to call her. Over and over again, he left voicemails full of fake apologies and pitiful excuses.
“Jane, come on, be reasonable! You can’t just run off like this!” he begged.
But Mom didn’t answer or call back.
Instead, Chloe had a better idea.
On his birthday, we sent Jeff a little gift. A jumbo pack of toilet paper, wrapped just as carefully as the one he’d given Mom.
Attached was a handwritten note that read: “For a real man.”
Mom moved in with Lily, a temporary arrangement where we all helped while she found a job. Anthony was delighted to learn about what we had done and wished he was there, too.
From what I hear, Jeff’s still complaining to anyone who’ll listen. But Mom is finally living her life without his control, and we couldn’t be prouder.