I am penning this heartfelt letter to inform you that I have made the decision to leave you indefinitely. After spending seven years in matrimony, it is evident that despite my unwavering dedication to our relationship, I have not received the reciprocation I had hoped for.
These past few weeks have been exceptionally challenging for me. I reached my breaking point when your boss disclosed that you abruptly resigned from your job today.
Just a fortnight ago, I went out of my way to prepare your favorite meal, got a fresh haircut, and even treated myself to a new pair of boxers. However, when you returned home from work, you didn’t even acknowledge these efforts.
You hastily consumed your dinner, engrossed yourself in your television dramas, and promptly retired to bed. It appears that you have no interest in intimacy or demonstrating your love for me in any manner.
The sad truth is that you no longer harbor any affection for me. Whether you are unfaithful or simply no longer in love, the outcome remains the same. Therefore, I must conclude that our relationship is irreparable, and I am choosing to leave.
Your Ex-husband
P.S. I implore you not to attempt to locate me. I have made the decision to relocate to West Virginia with your sister, Carla. I extend my well wishes and hope that you find happiness in life.
My Dear Ex-Husband,
Believe it or not, receiving your letter has unexpectedly brightened my day. Yes, it is true that we were married for seven years, but your definition of a good husband greatly differs from mine.
Our relationship seems to be beyond repair, so I find solace in indulging in my favorite TV shows, as they provide an escape from your incessant complaints and whining.
I did notice your new haircut, but I was raised to adhere to the saying, “If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” I thought it best to withhold my opinion since my initial thought was that it made you resemble a woman. Consequently, I refrained from commenting on your haircut.
When you prepared my favorite dish, you seemed to have forgotten that I stopped consuming pork seven years ago. Instead, you cooked my sister’s favorite dish. It appears that you neglected to consider my dietary preferences.
Regarding your new boxers, I refrained from commenting because they still had the price tag attached, indicating that they were a recent purchase. Curiously, on the same day, my dear sister Carla borrowed $50 from me. I hope this was merely a coincidence.
Despite it all, I did care for you and genuinely loved you. I held onto the hope that we could salvage our relationship. However, fate had a different plan in store. I happened to win a lottery jackpot of $15 million, which led me to quit my job and purchase two tickets to Hawaii for us.
But alas, when I returned home with the exciting news, you were already gone. I suppose everything happens for a reason. I sincerely hope that you find the life you have always desired.
As per my attorney’s advice, the letter you sent ensures that you will not receive a single cent of my newfound fortune. With that said, I bid you farewell and wish you well.
Your Ex-Wife, Liberated and Wealthy
P.S. I don’t believe I ever mentioned this, but my dear sister Carla was actually born as Carl. I hope this revelation does not pose an issue for you.