Take Responsibility for Your Part
It is important to remember that the main goal of marriage is a partnership in which both people feel loved, appreciated, and valued. While the list below may seem daunting, remember the goal. Peaceful partnership. This list can help you avoid common mistakes and create a harmonious relationship.
If life feels stressful, first work on changing your own perception. You can see peace instead of stress. You are only one thought away from a peaceful life. If you feel unhappy, seek the things that will fulfill you in life. Just be happy. The simplest route to something is to just be. The only person you can change is yourself. This article is not written for you to change someone else. It is a list of common mistakes that men make in relationships. If you want something to change, then you must make the change first, yourself. Change begins in your mind. When you change your mind, you can change your life.
Also, while both the husband and wife should take responsibility for their part in a marriage, below are ten mistakes common to men. Read on to learn about the behaviors of men, which can completely destroy a marriage. If you are an unhappy wife, who wants her husband to change, stop. Instead of reading this article and checking off everything that your partner does wrong, try changing your own perspective.
1. Leaving Her Alone
One of the quickest ways to destroy your marriage is to leave your wife alone. Of course, you work. Most husbands work outside the home to provide for the family. The problem isn’t your job.
Problems arise when you leave the house early, barely speaking to or connecting with your wife before you dash out the door. Of course, you don’t want to be bothered by texts and emails from her all day, because you have a job to do. You don’t have time to check in at lunch, or let her know that you thought about her during the day. You were busy. Then, after work, of course you need some down time. You head to the gym, or you go out for a drink, or maybe you don’t even have time for that. You work late, because the job needs you. The truth is, your wife needs you too.
When you get home, you’re tired. You want to relax, unwind and disconnect. Unfortunately, at this point, your wife feels completely disconnected. She hasn’t seen you all day, she misses you and she wants to connect. She feels alone and abandoned.
The truth is, you were working all day, to support and provide for the family. There is nothing wrong with that. Everyone in a relationship takes on certain roles, to support and enhance the partnership. It’s important to make time to connect, face to face, with your wife.
One of the most miserable experiences for a wife is that feeling of isolation when her husband emotionally leaves the relationship. Yes, she has friends and a job. Yes, she spends a lot of time running the kids around and partaking in activities outside of her husband. It’s not the same.
She desires to spend time with you, the man she loves. To be left alone by her husband causes deep heartache for a woman. It causes her to feel unworthy and worthless. She feels like you don’t need or want to spend time with her.
For most women, their largest fears boil down to isolation and deprivation. When she feels abandoned by you, your wife will become fearful. You don’t want her or need her. Maybe you don’t even love her.
When she feels alone in the relationship, her fears increase and she strikes out. She attacks with hurtful and disrespectful behavior. Her ability to verbally hurt you is her strongest weapon, and she uses it out of fear in an effort to try to get your attention.
When a wife begins to nag because you never spend time at home, never hang out with her, and never engage with the kids, chances are she is feeling abandoned and isolated. When you stop spending time together, the emotional distance between you grows quickly.
In order to connect to your wife, show up for your life. It only takes a few minutes, but you will realize a great improvement in your relationship. Start the morning with a hug and let her know you love her. Ask her if there is anything she needs from you today. At some point during the day, even if it’s only once, connect to her. Send a text. Leave her a voicemail. It doesn’t have to be a long conversation. Just let her know you were thinking about her. At the end of the day, hold her close, ask how she’s doing and tell her that you love her.
Leaving your wife alone or not paying enough attention to her could create more distance than you realize.
Leaving your wife alone or not paying enough attention to her could create more distance than you realize.
2. Not Connecting Emotionally
Your wife feels energized when she feels close to you. Refusing to let her know the real you is destructive to her and to your marriage. While you strive to keep your independence, she longs to connect with you. She wants to connect emotionally, to know you. Let your wife know who you are.
It is not fair to either of you if you are only affectionate and attentive on the days you want sex or something else from her. Affection and closeness ought to be an end in themselves, not a means to a different end.
Talking is not the only way women feel close, although it is an important one. Simple ways to fulfill your wife in this area are to hug her often, hold her hand, and to spend some time alone with her. When her need for closeness is met, she will be more inclined to respect your need for independence. If she feels like she knows you, then she can trust you and give you the space and freedom you need.
When your wife feels close to you, she will also be more willing to engage with you on a more intimate, sexual level. You build trust by allowing her to see who you are, and by allowing yourself to be vulnerable with her. Building trust this way allows her the safety to be more intimate with you.
The important thing to remember is to help her feel connected. Try talking to her about your day, your fears, hopes, and dreams. Hold her hand when you go out together. Kiss her unexpectedly in the kitchen while she makes dinner. Sit next to her. Ask her how she is doing, and for a few minutes, give her your undivided attention while she answers. A little bit will go a long way and mean everything to her and to your marriage.
2.5. Closing Yourself Off to Her
Women exist as an integrated circuit. The mind, body, and soul are closely linked — so, hurt feelings affect the entire system. A wife whose spirit is crushed may suffer from fatigue and confusion. Like a strand of Christmas lights — when one light goes out, they all go dark. Men compartmentalize. If one light goes out on his strand, all the other lights function properly, unaffected. Men are able to fully function when one area of their lives is not working properly.
Your wife does not understand the closed-off and mysterious way you operate. Things don’t seem to bother you. You never want to talk to her. She knows you are stressed about work, yet you don’t show it or express that further to her. She wonders how you can even function. Your wife is not trying to pry or sneak her way into no-man’s land. She simply wants you to be open. She wants to truly see you. She feels loved when you share your fears, worries, and troubles. She wants to be that person for you and committed to being so when you got married. She won’t try to fix you. She will listen.
Whereas men want to fix problems, women want to listen and talk. She wants to hear about your life, what you worry about and what stress you feel. She wants to know that you are human and that you trust her enough to share your struggles.
Try talking to her about what is going on in your life. Women like venting, without seeking a solution, and she wants to give you the freedom to share yourself verbally. Give yourself permission to let off some steam by sharing your frustrations with her, your fears, your challenges. Tell her what you’re struggling with and open yourself to her. She will lend a listening ear, without trying to solve your problems, and you’ll both feel closer and more connected.
3. Always Trying to “Fix” Her
Even when she doesn’t always say it, your wife sees you as her strength and as the bearer of her burdens. When she comes to you for help to lighten the load from the weight of her world, it is a compliment. She knows you can handle it.
Rather than trying to resolve and repair every issue, however, try to just listen to her. You might even ask if she needs a solution or just an ear. It will be a relief for both of you when you realize that sometimes you don’t have to fix all the problems. Sometimes, your wife wants to complain, vent or whine. She doesn’t necessarily want you to tell her how to handle her boss. She might not need you to call the mechanic and yell at him. She just needs to vent.
When you listen, without trying to solve everything, she will feel like you understand her (even if you don’t, which is okay). Let her talk, without needing to fix. You don’t even have to say anything. Nod your head, pour her a glass of wine and give her a hug.
4. Never Saying “I’m Sorry.”
All marriages have conflict. While conflict is not a pleasant thing, growth and closeness can increase as conflict is resolved. For your wife, an apology means she has moved forward through the conflict, and she is now seeking peace. When you refuse to apologize, you stand your ground and signal that the fight continues.
Many husbands see apologizing as a sure sign of weakness. They think, “If I apologize, she won’t respect me.” On the contrary, if you humbly apologize and ask her forgiveness, your wife will be putty in your hands. Your small act of contrition soothes her spirit, and acts as a healing balm over her heart. Furthermore, it shows that you’re open and willing to make things work, that you care enough to admit to your faults and move past and through them.
5. Taking Her Insecurities Too Lightly
Your wife knows she is committed to you. When you take her fears lightly, she wonders if you share the same level of commitment to her. She sees you looking at other women. In the mall, on TV, on the computer, and in other places, she notices your wanderlust. She sees you turn your head in admiration toward the short skirt, the tight shirt and the bare flesh. This makes her feel insecure, unattractive and unseen by you, the man she loves.
She fears that you may be unfaithful and at the very least, it may make her uncomfortable. She might question your attraction to them, especially if she is solely looking at you. When your eyes wander, your woman wonders if your heart has already left the relationship. She might never voice her fear, but trust that she notices when you look at every woman who walks by.
While you may never cheat on your wife, trust that she is insecure and needs your reassurance. Don’t belittle her, joke or tease. Her feelings are sensitive, and in her heart, your wife worries that she might not be enough.
Your jokes only serve to devalue her feelings, which are real. When you stare at a cute young thing as she saunters past, it may be a reminder to your wife of her many imperfections. She feels insecure because she wants to know that you still love her.
When you look at and comment on other women, your wife feels unattractive and unappreciated.. It’s okay for you to look at other women, in fact, it’s perfectly natural. The danger is when you are blatant and aggressive, disregarding your wife’s feelings and stare or make comments about other women, in spite of her discomfort.
Your wife is motivated by your love and loyalty. She has committed her life to you and wants to feel secure in the fact that you are equally committed to her. A big symbol of your loyalty (and another area of insecurity in many marriages) is a wedding ring.
For a woman, this is a sign of your fidelity. A married man without a ring seems to be trying to hide something. A ring symbolizes your devotion to your wife. It is a small symbol, yet will serve to make her feel secure and loved.
It requires very little effort on your part, to reassure your wife in this way, and it means the world to her. Her peace of mind ought to be worth the cost of an inexpensive, outward expression of your fidelity. You have nothing to hide. A ring is a simple, outward expression of your devotion to your wife and to your marriage. This small gesture can have a profound impact.
When your wife feels insecure, she may ask if you still think she is pretty. She may ask if you love her. She may ask if you think someone else is more attractive. This is not a trap. She feels she is moving toward you, by asking a question and starting a conversation. Talking is how women feel close. She is seeking your assurance of love and loyalty. Rather than make light of the moment, look at her. Stop and really look at her. Gaze into her eyes. Stroke her hair and pull her close. Tell her she is the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. Give her the assurance she seeks, and ease her troubled mind.
6. Ignoring the Importance of Simple Gestures
Your wife does not require fancy jewelry or expensive meals. Granted, those things are nice, and you like to treat your wife. However, it isn’t always necessary to spend a lot of money. Your wife appreciates the little things you do.
She feels most loved by the small tokens of your love and appreciation. When you neglect the small things, it may feel to her like you are trying to buy her affection—or ease your own guilt—with the big things. Let your wife know that she is on your mind during the day. A single rose when you walk in the door speaks volumes to her language of love. Give her a call or send her a text during the day to let her know you are thinking of her. Offer to help with dinner, or wash the dishes. These are small gifts of your time that mean the world to your wife.
For your wife, the most important days of the year are her birthday and the day she married you. Celebrate these days by spending time with just her. It will mean more than any expensive gift ever could. The cost of the gift is secondary to the thought you put into it. She wants to feel special and important to you. The way to help her feel loved is to spend time with her alone. Even if you sit home and watch a movie, give her your undivided attention.
Spending time and paying attention are two simple gestures that don’t cost any money, but will heal your marriage and bring you closer to your wife.
7. Taking All the Fun Out of Sex
When you confuse sex with intimacy, it’s no fun. When you only focus on your own orgasm and forget about her pleasure, it’s no fun. When you only show interest in your wife when you want to get lucky, it’s no fun. When you devalue the depth of your sexual relationship with crude jokes and pornography, it’s no fun. When you expect her to get excited instantly, it’s no fun. When you neglect your wife’s sexual needs, it’s no fun.
When you are married, sex is supposed to be fun.
An intimate sharing designed to bring you closer, sex should cement the bond between you. You have an opportunity to connect with your wife in a way that only you can share. This is not something she shares with anyone else in the entire world. Rather than take shortcuts and cheapen the experience, instead focus on making it fun and pleasurable for both of you.
Think of your wife as a crockpot. In this comparison, you are a microwave. If you put food in a microwave, you’ll be eating in a few short minutes. Simple, easy, fast. A crockpot meal, on the other hand, takes a lot of forethought. You need the proper ingredients. You have to put everything together, turn it on, and wait. Six or eight hours later, you enjoy a delicious meal.
Your wife needs the same thoughtful consideration. She longs to be the object of your thoughts and desires. Make sex and intimacy more fun by giving it a little more thought. Start in the morning with a kiss, and tell her she’s beautiful. Women never get tired of hearing that from the man they love. Help get the kids ready for school. After work, ask about her day. Pay attention to her and let her know how much you want her, you need her, and you love her.
Slow, slow, slow. If you want to bring the fun back into your sex life, think crockpot, not microwave. You can microwave in the shower!
8. Getting Lost in Bitterness and Anger
When you shut your wife out to brood in your despair, it fills her with fear. Women like to talk things out. Men like to shut things out. When you feel stressed about work, about money, about your relationship, or whatever feels insurmountable, you probably turn inward. This provokes your wife’s fear of abandonment and rejection.
She thinks you don’t love her when you refuse to speak. This fear, and her desire to resolve conflict, causes your wife to pursue you. She wants to talk it out, not to belittle or demean you, but to feel closer. She wants you to trust her, so she can trust you. She follows you around, asking if everything is alright. You run away from her and avoid wanting to discuss what is bothering you. She knows something is wrong, and she begins to assume that she is the problem.
You can stop this train wreck before it happens by opening up to your wife. She loves you. You can trust her. Share your real feelings with her, and she will open her heart to you. Let her know what bothers you, what scares you and what worries you. Open yourself up a little, rather than sink into the depth of your private despair.
9. Not Taking Responsibility
Whether it’s an addiction, an affair, or poor performance in your life, many times, husbands point to their wives as the reason for their weakness. “She makes me drink because of her nagging. I cheated because she wouldn’t take care of me. I’m doing poorly because she never encourages me.”
It’s easy to blame someone else for your behavior. Rather than own-up to the problem, you choose the role of victim. It feels like a free pass, but blaming others and failing to take control of your own life will not only destroy your marriage, but other areas of your life as well.
It’s time to take full responsibility for your own behavior. Take ownership of your actions and your behavior, no matter how ugly it is. When you own up, you take back the power to change your life and save you marriage.
You choose to drink. You choose to cheat. You choose to work or not work. You actively do all these things on your own. Rather than blaming someone or something else, stand up and take responsibility. Make your life reflect the values you desire. Your life is completely under your control.
Today, you can choose differently. You can create exactly the life you want. Furthermore, if your wife really is the root of all the problems in your life, then take responsibility. Man up and tell her the truth. She can’t change if you aren’t willing to express the problem.
When you own up to your own choices, then you create space to heal or change all the relationships in your life, including your marriage.
10. Picking the Wrong Woman. Again.
A woman in distress, who just moves from crisis to crisis, will continue to be in distress after you marry her. A nitpicking woman who criticizes your every decision will continue to nitpick. A control freak always wants control, even after the wedding. The bottom line is: if she is the wrong woman before the marriage, she’ll be the wrong woman when and after you get married.
If you want a nice wife, then date a nice woman and marry her. Treat her with love and respect, and she will return the kindness. Trying to rescue a woman in distress will only lead you to feel used and unappreciated. A strong marriage begins with a good-willed woman and a good-willed man. It flourishes as you both grow in love and respect toward each other.
Choosing the wrong woman sets you up for failure every time. Although you might like the feeling of being a knight in shining armor rescuing a damsel in distress, the reality of being married is much harder and much less idealistic. Marriage takes work, from both the husband and the wife. When both are committed to making the marriage a good experience, then it has a better chance of succeeding.
Work on Yourself
While this list may seem daunting, it is important to remember that the main goal of marriage is a partnership in which the sum of the two parts creates a more beautiful, peaceful, loving union. If life is stressful, work on changing your perception. You can see peace instead of stress. You are only one thought away from a peaceful life. If you feel unhappy, seek those things that will fulfill you in life. Just be happy. The simplest route to something is to just be. The only person you can change is yourself.
You cannot change your wife. You can change your own behaviors and your own perceptions. Decide who you want to be and how you want to show up, and then live your life, authentically showing up for yourself and for your wife every day. In each moment, you have an opportunity to be who you truly want to be.